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How Not to Get a Date With Mila Kunis

While you may not be a badass US Marine with an invite to the Marine Corps Ball, like the guy who used an online video to procure a meet-up with Mila Kunis—she downgraded from actually accepting the ball invite when she realized she is filming two movies at the same time—you can still up your game and display some creativity when asking a girl out.

But here’s the thing. Since my company, Loveawake, doesn’t like to make a big deal out of “dates,” I had to do a bit of research on this one. I tried to assemble a short list of three supposedly “creative” ways to ask a girl out that won’t end up being something you’ll regret ’till the end of days. I failed in epic fashion, discovering only the absolute worst ideas one can dig up on the World of Warcraft message boards and beyond.

The examples below are all legit productions tried by real guys that would probably work great in a romantic comedy. Got a better plan that actually succeeded? Please share with the group in the comments section.

Put up posters of the girl you like all over campus

The Move: Mistakenly thinking that student government was actually cool, our first poor bastard recruited his friends to hang over a hundred posters of the girl he fancied.

The Fallout: Upon her arrival to campus that morning, she was horrified to see practically the entire student body laughing at both her and her admirer. Leaving school early (and, no doubt, debating whether to transfer altogether), she not only didn’t accept his invitation, but most likely still has him blocked on Facebook so he can’t show up at her work.

Create a fake crime scene outside her house

The Move: Our second moron thought puns were so amazing that they could only be improved by adding a visual element, preferably with a dash of shock and awe thrown in for good measure. Thus, he got ahold of some police caution tape and draped it all over her front porch, the sidewalk and the yard. He then created a chalk outline of a dead body on her walkway and placed a sign next to it that read: “I’m dying to take you out on Friday.”

The Fallout: The girl and her parents thought this was potentially a veiled threat of suicide and called the police, the boy’s parents, and school administration. He was simultaneously suspended from school, taken into custody for a psychological evaluation and placed under house arrest/suicide watch by his family. No word on whether he got any that Friday. Your guess is as good as ours.

Surprise her someplace she said she’d be with a gift

The Move: Our third and final misguided soul ambushed a friend of mine (we’ll call her Stephanie) with the following symphonic blend of poor taste, supplication, lack of attention to detail and stalkerish-ness. After they met briefly at a party, Stephanie had to leave and go pack for an early flight in the morning. Unfortunately, she’d made the mistake of mentioning where she was headed (see where I’m going with this?) and at what time. This dim dude decided it’d be a good move to show up at the airport before her flight with a bag of fruit.

The Fallout: Her reaction, as one can only imagine, must have been priceless. A fluidly evolving spectrum of surprise and disbelief, followed closely by fear and, finally, pity. Not only is it creepy to show up at the airport at dawn, not only is it frightening that he remembered where she was going and looked up which flight and airline so he could find the terminal, and not only is it even more obscene that he thought she would actually enjoy this gesture…but she fricking hates fruit. Smoooooth.

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